The Pain Of Waiting

"I want to get married and have babies by the age of 27 or 28. I need to have my own house and stable job before starting a family", I said to myself. I can still remember when I said that. I was 16 years old at that time. 

Fast forward. Now, I am already 29 years old. I'm not married and I don't have kids. I do have work but I know it's not yet stable. I don't have a house of my own or a car I paid out of my pocket. All I have now are from my parents. I just could not believe that at the age of 29 I have not reached my dreams. Some, maybe, but not all.

Now that I am already at the right age, I have been trying to have a baby for 1 year and 3 months. I've been to several ob-gynecologist to have myself checked and drank a lot of medicines. They didn't help. The long wait is really painful not only to me but also to my boyfriend. We've been together for 3 years already. We go through check up every now and then to make sure both of us are doing the right thing but, until now, we don't have a baby.

Frustrations and insecurities are already seeping inside us slowly. Unstable emotions and heartaches are unbearable. There are even times when I compare myself to other couples who have kids. Women who did not have difficulty getting pregnant. Oftentimes, I would ask God, why is it always to be like this? When I was young until I reached this age, if I want something, I can't have it easily as much as I want to. I always have to go through thick and thin to have what I want. I feel like I am being cursed. To suffer hard enough before tasting success. I do understand that we can't always get what we want but I always believe that "what Jessica wants, Jessica gets". Unfortunately, it's not always like that. 

Right now, I am contemplating. I'm trying hard to understand situations like this where I ask God often, "why?" The struggle is real. The pain is excruciating. The waiting is too much to bear. It's like waiting and not knowing if it will come. 

On the other side of all these negative thoughts are positive. It's like yin and yang. If I had not balanced my mind, body and soul, I'd probably given up. It might have pushed me to do something not good. Most of the times, these positive thoughts help me believe, hope and be patient. In situations like mine, God maybe teaching me to learn how to live my life first, enjoy what I have, and appreciate all the things he has given me, helping me to understand that things easily given are things that can easily taken for granted. Thus, those things you have waited for a long time will become valuable and priceless. Things you did not expect are things worth keeping and remembering. Memories that last a lifetime.

"Happy is the person who learns to wait as he prays and never loses patience, for God's times is the best time".