Finding My Self Worth

Another relationship after the other. No breathing. Even after painful breakups, I'd enter into a new relationship hoping I will find my sole purpose in life. To love and be loved in return. Wishing one day I'd feel happy, contented and satisfied with what we call life. To be able to find meaning from another person. To be able to find greater inner peace with oneself once I find my perfect match. I was wrong.

After my recent break-up, everything starts to sink in as if God is talking to me. As if, He is telling me to slow things down. To stop and appreciate the things I already have. It's like He is giving me a break to at least love myself and do the things I wanted to do before I settle down. Resolve issues within myself in order for me to fully love the person He prepared for me. To embrace imperfections of life and that is okay to be imperfect once in a while.

To be honest, it's been a while since I was single. Most of the time, after every break-up, I'd date as not to feel alone and miserable though in my heart I know it's not something I wanted. It's not something God wants me to do with my life. Now that I am 30 years old, me and my boyfriend of 4 years broke up. I saw it coming yet I added more salt to the injury. I know I've crossed the line and everything ended just like that. How could I ever forget all the things we've been through? All the heartaches and happy moments we've had. None. I just have to feel the pain until it will hurt no more.

Through all my past experiences, I've learned a lot. I've learned to see more about life. To do things I've never done before. To appreciate all the treasures God have given to all humankind. To value the people who deeply cares for me. To value family first before anyone in this world. To enjoy the present while looking forward to the future and hoping for the best to come. To be grateful to God for all the blessings He shared to me especially my life. To be thankful for the people who come and go in my life who taught me to become who I am right now. For all the challenges that made me stronger than before.

When you fully let go of the things that kept you from moving forward, that is the time that you'd be able to breathe and see things clearly. You will be able to see things in a different perspective. You will realize God's way and plans are better than yours. Right now, finding my self-worth is the best thing I can do for myself, to be able to appreciate things and live my life without any bitterness. To move forward without regrets. To enjoy my singleness and live my life without being dependent on others. Being happy alone. To be able to set my own standards without settling for less by grabbing anyone available for the moment. To live a simple life and be who I wanted to be without stressing myself of what others want me to become and be the best person I can be. To be closer to God. Let his will be done.

“One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.” 

― Shannon L. Alder

Thank You Letter To My Parents

Right now, I am all alone. Staring at the ceiling of my room. Thinking about life. Re-evaluating things. Suddenly,I missed my parents. It has been almost 10 years since I saw my dad and 5 years that I've never seen my mom personally. I know it's part of life to detach yourself from your parents but I could not imagine myself doing it. They will always remain as part of me and my life. 

Time flies so fast that I have grown up so fast too and my parents are growing older too. I felt like I have been busy all my life and forgot to at least say thank you to them for taking care of us.  I could never imagine how hard it was for them to raise three beautiful kids all by themselves. Well, that's how powerful they are. Parents will always be parents. Wherever you go. Whatever you do, you will always go back to them. You will always miss them. You will always ask advice from them. 

I want to have this opportunity to write this thank you letter to my parents to make sure that they are being appreciated at the same time, loved. Here it goes: 

Dear Mama and Papa. 

Thank You. For all the time you've been with us. 

For all the sacrifices you've gone through just to give us 

the wonderful life you want us to have. 

For keeping with all the sleepless night when were still a baby

until we've grown up into a big one. 

For never leaving our side when we were sick. 

For preparing our things. Cooking food. Washing the dishes.

For doing all the household chores even if we are big enough to do it on our own.

For always taking good care of us. 

For always working hard so we can go to a good school.

For loving us wholeheartedly. 

For being someone we can lean on when we have no one. 

For being a friend. 

For scolding us when we do stupid things. 

For making sure that we will grow into a responsible person.

For making sure that we will do the same to our future kids. 

For being a good parents to us. 

Thank you!

This letter is never enough to tell them how much their love for us. My parents are the best gift I received in my entire life. For now, I wish to God that he will give them long life so we would be able to spend more time with them. To always take good care of them when they do things like working. To provide them good health always so they would stay stronger and healthy even if we are not around to take care of them. 

"How Long Will I Love You"

Intro: 

How long will I love you?

As long as stars are above you

And longer, if I can.

How long will I need you?

As long as the seasons need to

Follow their plan.

How long will I be with you?

As long as the sea is bound to

Wash upon the sand.

How long will I want you?

As long as you want me to

And longer by far.

How long will I hold you?

As long as your father told you,

As long as you can.

How long will I give to you?

As long as I live through you

However long you say.

How long will I love you?

As long as stars are above you

And longer, if I may. 

[Spoken:] 

We're all traveling through time together 

Every day of our lives. 

All we can do is do our best 

To relish this remarkable ride.

If I decided to get married soon, I would want this song to be played during the wedding. :)

My Peaceful Solitude In Bantayan Island

In my 29 years of existence, there was never a time that I traveled alone away from home. I am always afraid to try it out because of unknown fears. I always think that it might be too risky, dangerous, or worst, get lost in an unknown place. I never thought that one day, I finally have the courage to do it. Negative thoughts and fears are still there but the determination and positivity outweighed everything.

I prepared my things the night before. I made sure that I have enough money for this trip. Even though, I have been to Bantayan several times, I still don't know what will happen if I am alone. I chose this place because I fell in love with their beaches and the people. I always have this feeling of freedom, contentment and unexplained happiness every time I am in this island. The place has not been developed that much so you can still see the natural gifts of God in this island. White sands. Clear waters. Several coconut trees. Low life living. I admit, this place is really a must visit for those who haven't been here. 

January 7, 2016, I woke up early and re-checked my stuff. Rode a taxi off to North bus terminal then rode a Ceres bus bound for Hagnaya port. Fare was 132 pesos and 170 pesos for RoRo. Since it was not a peak season, I decided not to book a room ahead so upon arrival, I went directly to Sugar Beach to get a room for myself. Good thing that I was able to bargain. From 900 pesos, it went down to 600 and the room was good for 4 persons. I arrived around 4 PM so I went directly to the market to find good food. I rented a bicycle so it would be easier for me to tour around the island fro around 260 pesos good for 2 days.

For two days of staying in the island, I was able to think about my life and what I really wanted. I thought that being away from the city or being alone would give me back my sanity. I was wrong. I felt sad. I felt lonely. I felt that I don't like what I am doing . I don't like the feeling of being alone. I don't want to do this again. I don't want to be alone anymore. Honestly, at first, it was a fulfillment for me but later on, I felt bored and lonely especially during at night when most of the people are asleep as early as 7 PM or 8 PM.

During the night, I would sit outside my room looking at the beach and stars. It was scary because it was too dark and I can only hear the sounds of the crickets. Nothing else. The silence of the night really bothered me because I am not the type of person who wanted a silent life. I wanted to have fun, exciting and extraordinary life. Though there are times that I don't like noisy environment but I grew up with it. I've been living in a house beside the road with all the sounds of the cars, trucks and people passing by. Somehow being alone in Bantayan helped me to recharge. To be in my nothing box. However, I can only give myself a day for that then go back to being myself. To being a happy go lucky person. To being able to explore what the world has to offer.

Day two in Bantayan. I had a great time during the morning because I went biking again. I went to the market then had my breakfast. As usual, I ate at my favorite spot. At noon, I went to Ogtong cave. I've been there several times but still love to visit the place. Good thing it was not crowded like it used to. Bad thing is, I was not able to have a short dip in the beautiful water of Ogtong Cave because I didn't have swim wear with me. At around 4 PM, I went back to my place and had a short swim at the beach. I just loved how clear the water was and how peaceful it was. Just couldn't resist it's beauty. I really wanted to go biking during the night but it's really dark. According to the locals there, electricity was partially damaged because of Typhoon Yolanda.

During my last day in Bantayan, I had so much fun. I didn't use my bicycle anymore. Instead, I walked from my place to the market so I can eat my breakfast. Did some video taking with my Go Pro. The place was really heaven. I wanted to stay another day but of course I really cannot stand the loneliness during the evening. Lol! After all the moments of talking to myself while walking, I went back to my place, packed up my stuff and left. Around 5PM, I was already in Cebu City.Welcome home!

In this trip, I realized that "No Man Is An Island" quote is really true. I just couldn't stand the loneliness of being alone. The sad feeling of me having no one to spend the rest of my life with. It's just me. :)